When I Lost Myself

In school, I was the charming girl. Teachers loved me. Friends adored me. Not because I am the pretty/hotstuff girl (there are many pretty girls in my school and unfortunately I am not one of them). Not because I am the smart girl (also, there are many more girls smarter than me). If I did not have these character in me, I may be just an insignificant girl in my school.

I was an energetic and full-spirited girl. And more than that, I was the one who will motivate my friends. They love to talk to me about their feelings and worries, and I always cheer them up by saying that they should have a dream, live by it, and all of the problems will disappear (a.k.a will be a little easier to solve. As much as you and I want it, no problems can disappear just like that)

But, when I enrolled into university,
eventhough I have a dream,
eventhough I live by it,
I became easily demotivated.
And I couldn't believe it itself. I thought that I can carry on motivating people forever.

So, why and what exactly happen?

Well, let's face the truth. Everyone wants to go to university, just because that seems like the only way to be successful.

What course do you wanna take?
What are you passionate about?
Can you sacrifice your time and effort to absorb this knowledge?

Most of us enroll into university without thinking about this.

For my case, I already did think about this. So I thought that I will have the best time in university, loving what I learn and learning what I love.

I was wrong.

Like I said before, eventhough I did think about it, most of the people around me don't.
And the result is more devastating than I thought.

They come to class, just to play along, sleep and not even trying to pay attention.
They get annoyed by tutorials and assignments.
They will try to seek out entertainment as much as they could, and get frustrated again when they are back to the reality as being a student.

Why?
Because that is actually our natural response when we do things that we don't like.

In this case, they enroll into university, not knowing what to do, and feel overwhelmed and burdened by all of those subjects that they have zero interest in.

I was, at the beginning, the complete opposite.

I loved going to class.
I loved going through assignments, tutorials, doing experiments, and just talk about knowledge.
My only entertainment was non-fictional books that I can finish in a week (and I read the same book usually 3 times)

So, again I thought, I will have fun learning in university.

Again, I was wrong.

The power of the environment really hit me. Slowly, I became one with them. I lost motivation.

I looked out for more entertainment than study.
The books took a longer time to read, and it felt more like a burden than a hobby
(which I find this to be really upsetting myself, because I REALLY loved reading)
Classes, tutorials, assignments were not appealing anymore.

In simple words, when I lost my motivation, I lost myself.

As you're reading this, maybe you felt that I was betrayed by my dear friends surrounding me. Maybe you felt like in this story, I am the protagonist and they're the antagonists.

But no.
Like I said before, they were just acting the way everyone would act when they are being forced (or more accurately, felt of being forced) to do something that they don't like. I would really love to talk about how our education system has messed up that they were being like this, but maybe next time.

But the point that I am making here, that it is not their fault. It is MY FAULT. Maybe not entirely, but I had to suck up the fact that this is my fault, for 2 reasons.

1. I know what I am doing and where I am heading to, since the very first day I enter university. Even until now.
I know how much knowledge should be cherished.
I know how to love knowledge and make the university life the best life ever, just because of the knowledge inside it.

and yet I let myself fall into despair. by not doing anything.

I just felt a little down, and without doing anything, I just lay down lazily, hoping for the 'perfect boost' to come back again, just like it would come back easily during my school years.

What I don't realize is, life is getting tougher, and I need to adapt. The 'perfect boost' is not easy to get anymore, and that's normal, as life gets harder.

So, how the hell does not doing anything can get me back the boost I need?

2. I know all of this, and yet I don't have the courage to teach this to my friends.
If I am able to teach them, they won't have to live a miserable life in the university, where it could have been the best one.

But I don't. And throughout the year, they just live their life like that.

Yeah sure, I have my videos and stuff. But where am I as a friend to support them, and direct them to the right way?

Though, one of the pretty interesting that I've learned from all of this, is that, sometimes your small insignificant actions can have a big impact on many other people.
At school, it was not like, I suddenly decided to be a counselor to everyone to cheer people up. People just talk and I just respond. But my respond, in one way or another, can have a big impact on someone's day.

Now, people around me, are living life like that, not realizing that
every time they talk about how burdening their assignments are,
every time they whine about how boring the classes are,
every time they say about how unappealing life university is,

will have impact on how other people live their lives, eventhough if they have complete opposite mindset. Like me.

My friends, if you are reading this,
sorry if I have not been a good friend to you.
Sorry if I have not been there when you need me.
Sorry if your life has become more miserable because if me.

I admit it was my mistake.
I am sorry.

Finally, I hope we can all be successful and find joy in this life,
Thank you.



p/s: Just wanted to point out another interesting thing. As I was writing and editing this, I realized that I kept changing the tenses unconsciously, from past tense, to present tense, back and forth. This shows that I am still battling with myself. As much as I want to convince myself that this WAS me, some of it IS STILL me. I hope I can make it through. Whatever hardships we are going through, I hope we can make it through.