One of the byproduct of anxiety is the inability to make actions because of being too
overwhelmed by choices, or consequences of the choices.
I remembered this crystal clear as I begin to embark my journey getting my bachelor’s degree. As soon as I pick a choice, my fear of missing out of the other choices, & the possibility of messing up the first choice, grow.
And as time went by, they slowly become more social-centric. I would be too afraid to just say hi to other people, to socialize, to talk about my interest, because of the uninvited, overwhelming, irrational fear.
And I know it’s not something that I can just shake it out.
At that moment, I knew, what I was experiencing is not normal. I’m not self-diagnosing of having anxiety disorder, but I know it wasn’t a normal anxious feeling. Ultimately, I identify as being highly socially anxious.
And this anxiety, this fear, makes me unable to communicate with my housemates. And even during the time where I wanted to, when I needed to, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. As a result, I was always excluding myself from them, doing my own stuff, not even talking & interacting with them. I only do it for the sake of survival.
I hate every second of it, and I dreaded coming back home every single day; to the fact that I would not talk to them. More than often, I think I should, I know I should, but then…
“They must have already hated me, why bother talking to them.”
Thus, I withdraw. Then when the awareness comes again, so does the thought of them hating me.
You can see now that it has becoming a vicious cycle.
And I hate that even more; I hate that I was becoming a bad housemate and it seems like I can’t undo it.
Man, am I the opposite of ‘mate’ in ‘housemate’.
And all of them just make my anxiety grow. And finally, that fear & that shame, turn into rage & anger with myself.
I’ve decided enough is enough. I don’t want to be the bad housemate anymore. I’ve succumbed into my own fear and anxiety for too long. Things have to change.
So what did I do?
1. Acknowledge that your actions & your intentions are distinct, & may be separate.
If you’re me, you would either ignore your behaviour & continue becoming toxic, or you would fall into deep shame of yourself. This is what would happen when you experience cognitive dissonance; the discomfort that people feel when they behave in ways that are inconsistent with their conception of themselves.
But lucky, both tendencies did not stick to me, due to the realization that I had; my actions and my intentions do not necessarily align. And it’s okay (not in a justifying way, but in an accepting way).
I may have the good intention, but my actions would not necessarily show it. But my terrible
actions would not diminish my good intention. That is one good thing to maintain.
2. Confront them and be honest.
Confront them of what you are going through, & why your actions seem to not reflect your intentions. And be honest about it. Tell them you didn’t mean to be toxic. Tell them, even if you don’t have any promise that things would get better.
That’s what I did:
“Hey. I didn’t talk to you, even when I want or need to, because I’m afraid I would hurt you & myself, & I thought you hate me. I know you don’t, it’s just my anxiety keeps believing that it does. I’m sorry for that, and now I’m in the process to do better. It may not show on the outside, but believe me, I am trying to get better.”
Whatever comes after is totally out of your control. They might not believe you, they might scold you, they might accuse you of making up stories. But whatever.
You’ve told them. At least, at the very least, they now know.
p/s: as for my housemates, they accepted it willingly.
3. Distance yourself from them.
Again, this is not the question of who’s bad and who’s good, nor it is about who should leave or not leave.
Like I said, our intentions may not be accurately reflected through our behaviors. And when it comes to conflicting behaviors that hurt each other, it is always safe to just maintain a distance.
This is personally what I didn’t do, but I wish that I would.
Of course, step 2 which is communicating with them is good. But nothing really changed after that. I still continued my behavior. I was still being toxic to them, for one whole year, in their own house. Obviously since a house is a need & I got nowhere else to go, I have no choice but to stay.
But if I was given a little bit of courage, I would probably leave the house,
4. Work on your issues.
Regardless of your true intentions, those toxic behaviors do not stem from nothing.
Thus, after accepting your problem, confronting them with the people that perceived you as toxic, & distancing yourself from them, it is the perfect time to work on your issues.
As for me, the issue here is obviously anxiety. Thus, here is what I did:
- Learning to regulate the irrational fear: I accept the fear as a feeling that would not be easily shaken away. But I know I need to regulate it somehow so it would not overwhelm me to the point I am unable to function. Having ‘just do it’ mindset & repetitive affirmations are what I try to do now.
- Find out who I am socially: Now with new housemates, I still do not talk as much with them. But it is mutually accepted by both me & them in the house. I come to terms that I am a quiet person in the house, I don’t have to act friendly, & I can choose to connect to them whenever I feel comfortable and safe to do so. I just need to be a decent housemate, by being a decent housemate.
To say that handling this issue was hard, is an understatement.
It was an excruciating, very slow, time-and-energy consuming process. I’ve cried multiple times to multiple people, saying I was tired. I swear to God, I was tired; doing everything that I can, with little to no change that could be seen.
But as tired as I could be, I would never give up on myself.
I guess that’s the simple takeaway for today. If you realize you’re being toxic, or you're aware of your potential to become toxic, you may experience dissonance, & as a result, feeling guilt & shame.
And while it is normal to feel those feelings, please do not let them drag you down.
Don’t give up on yourself, fix your issues, & improve yourself.
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