It’s my final year already in the university & I’ve decided to take responsibilities on more things; events, logistics, etc. Not even that much, but still a significant increase for me.
It’s completely the opposite of what students in university usually do; they usually take on as much responsibilities as possible in their first year, then begin to gradually slow down as years go by.
But that’s okay for me. I don’t regret it, because I’ve spent the last 2 years, researching & doing what I really know I love to do,
studying & content producing.
As for studying, I really like the university life. I mean, I like going to lectures, paying attention in class, and even taking exams. Yup, you heard me right; I like taking exams. Genuinely.
And as for content producing, I like the feeling of hitting the ‘publish’ button. Then, slowly seeing the numbers of view & likes going up & up. My views are not that high in the first place, but what gets me ‘high’, is imagining one by one person reading or watching my stuff, thinking, contemplating & taking lessons from them.
But, only at the end of my second year I began to think; doing what you want is good,
but what about doing what you need, although you don’t like it?
Doing paperwork, proposals, organizing events, finding & building network, dealing with people; I realized I’ve known little to nothing about them, when I’m already on the way of entering my third year.
So, as the semester starts in the last September, I’ve been literally forcing myself to do those things.
And the truth dawned on me;
I don’t really like doing them, compared to studying.
I mean, I’m capable to them, of course.
But I like to do others things more.
I’d rather be in class than be in a meeting.
I’d rather working on my assignments than working on a bunch of report papers.
I’d rather spend my whole day in a library studying rather than a day in another place working on another activity.
I’ve realized that
I am all-or-nothing person. I mean,
the lack of perfection itself is what triggered my anxiety in the first place.
Which means, for the past 2 years, I would give all-out in both my studying & content producing. I would carve a plan in executing each & single one of them, and make sure my very best shots are given at every single bit.
And because of that very same all-or-nothing attitude,
I withdraw myself from any other things unrelated to both, even if I need it. Like this very example of dealing with documents & organizing events.
Thus, when I get into this,
I get stressed. A lot. For many reasons.
1. Flexibility & value of C (instead of A)
Working on events & people require me to be very flexible. Which initially I have no problem with.
But, when there are too many aspects to focus on, I need to allocate my mental energy to think just enough to make the event run.
For example, I may have an idea about a
good decoration. But, since there are a lot more things to focus on, I need to give just an
'okay’ decoration. As long as there is a decoration, as long as people can recognize it as decoration, as long as the decoration does not interfere with any logistics, I can move on to think about other things.
Repeat this with a thousand more things to think about.
In fact, add my studies & assignment into that thinking, since now I got so busy thinking about other things.
Did I do it? Yes.
Were all the events successfully run well? Yes.
Were my academics affected? Not that much that I have to worry about.
But do I feel happy?
No.
Why?
Because it’s so not who I am.
Leaving things just to a passing level, or a C level (instead of A), makes me feel incomplete. And I’m not happy about it.
2. My peers are the completely opposite of me.
They’d rather be in a meeting than in a class.
They’d rather working on a bunch of report papers than working on their assignments.
They’d rather spend their whole day making an event work & goes smoothly, rather than studying at the library.
So, being that much of a difference, we definitely have different expectations.
Wait, it was actually me.
I have different expectations.
I initially thought that they expect me to go all-out, just like how I’d expect myself to go all out in my studies.
But that didn’t happen at all.
They all understood already (unlike me) that flexibility is required & passing is okay. So they are the ones who tone me down whenever I seems to make things more than it should be.
“Chill, we can do that in the next meeting.”
“We can decide that on the spot on the day on the event.”
“No need to rush.”
“Leave some room for unexpected things to happen in the tentative.”
Again, like I said, I’m able to do so.
But do I feel happy?
You know the answer.
3. I’m forcing myself to do this, all alone.
Me doing all of these, probably takes double or triple more energy, compared to others.
Every meeting I’m stressed, every day of the event I’m stressed, and when it’s over, I can only lay down in my bed for hours, to rest myself.
Currently I have a laundry of a week that I have not still take care of. Which I initially also feel weird about myself. Like,
why is this laundry is not being taken care of? Then I realized, it was because of me being tired.
Extra tired.
And it’s completely logical and okay to be extra tired. I’m doing this for the first time, all at once. And I’m forcing myself. It’s not my nature, but I do it anyways. Of course my energy would be depleted, even more & faster than others.
I need to remind you again, my events are not as many as it sounds.
Only very few events, with relatively very few participants.
But I’m tired & burnt out already.
And finally I asked myself:
“Should I quit already? Maybe this one aspect is not necessarily for me.”
Because like I said, I am the one who is forcing myself. I mean, there’s no one else.
So, no harm in deciding on my own that I quit, right?
And I feel like I want to say yes. My heart immediately jumps into yes.
But, after some contemplation,
I believe that the answer is no.
Why?
1. It’s a thing that I need
This would be no issue at all of this is some kind of thing that I’m experimenting myself with.
But, on this particular case,
it’s what I need.
Imagine if I have the same attitude towards brushing my teeth. Imagine if I
‘quit’ brushing my teeth because it’s
‘not my nature’ and
‘it’s not for me’.
Yeah… I don’t want to imagine that either.
2. I’m not alone.
Even if whatever I’m doing is not my nature, I got people to help me. Working on an event is not a one-man thing.
Probably I got used to doing this all alone in my academics, and even with group projects, I’m usually the ones that decides the flow.
But, like the example that I’ve given, it’s my counterparts who keep reminding me & tone me down.
And it’s not a bad thing. I mean, imagine if no one did that, everyone would constantly be working under stress.
And even worse, imagine if all of my colleagues are also all-or-nothing people in event-making.
I would probably be even more stressed to the point I’ll pass out.
3. It’s better to force myself now, than to face the consequences later.
Like the example, I’d rather force myself to brush my teeth, than to not brush my teeth at all & wait out for the definitely disgusting outcome of it.
Especially, I don’t like being forced by other people. So, the choice is on me; would I rather someone else to force me, or myself? Or would I rather wait for the destructive consequences of building up the skills that I need.
Would I risk myself getting fired in my future work just because of the skills that I’ve failed to hone,
while I can? Yeah, I might be a bit late, but I still can.
So why won’t I?
I don’t realize it earlier, but I realized it now.
So why won’t I do it?
And I don’t even have to stress myself to get an A in this. I just need to do it enough, to show people that I can do it. It’s great if I can do great, but if I can’t, passing alone is good enough & I won’t be judged.
It’s only 2 months after this semester starts, but I feel like I’m learning so much already.
And, from all of this, I get to internalize 3 things too:
1. I don’t have to rush myself.
Like I said, I started this a bit late compared to my peers. And it’s okay.
Better late than never.
So currently I’m not building any expectation up on myself, like to organize a big event or something. But, unlike before where I just ignore them,
I will grab on opportunities to hone the very skills that I needed.
And yes, when I graduated, it might harder for me to accepted. But it’s okay. I know I’m an excellent person anyway, which means any rejection from any future employees does not reduce my self-worth and self-esteem.
I will go back to my strength; observing the market & plotting the plan of getting my way in the industry. This one, I’m confident about it.
2. I’ve learned the value of the C grade.
It’s about
ideals vs standard, that I’ve talked about before.
But it was on in my head. It is now where I need to take it into practice.
It’s okay to miss a few details, as long as the bigger picture is there.
It’s okay to not pay attention on every single detail, as my mental energy is required more in other bigger pictures. It’s optimization.
And I love me some optimization.
And like I said,
it’s hard. It’s not who I am. Not doing things perfectly, or at least to my strict expectation, triggers my anxiety. One things collapses, and I’m haunted by the thought of “You’re a bad person.”
But I can do it. I am capable to do it. The bad thoughts, I can at least ignore it & continue to be professional during the event (And maybe I’ll go back & cry on my bed about it if I choose to).
And as time goes by, I build my capacity to be larger, at my own pace. That’s all that matters.
3. I should not give up on the things that I like.
I like studying. I like producing content.
More importantly, I like when I have enough time dedicated to do so. More is better. Like this particular post you’re reading; it’s been 1 hour already of me writing, and not even considering the time of producing yet.
And it’s okay. I blocked my day today already. So I will take my sweet time.
Because that is what I like.
Due to me taking up new roles, I’ve been posting less frequent on my social media.
But, today, in this free time that I have, I have a thought,
“What if, despite my hustle & bustle, I still dedicate time to do what I like? I would be less tired & feel less stressed.”
Because let’s admit it, as much as we want to turn out passion into career so we won’t feel like working at all, reality is different for everyone. Passion alone does not pay the bills, and we all have different priorities in our lives. Some of us got stuck in jobs that we barely even like.
And that is okay, and that is definitely not the reason to slack off in work.
Just plan on how you are going to improve your career, and definitely do not give up on what I like.
It’s why I have a dream to become a lecturer & work in the university. It’s why I promote myself as freelance writer and speaker.
I also want to turn my passion into work.
But these things take time. And it’s okay to prioritize safety first, and do these things as a side-activity.
But to let them go? Never.
By doing what I genuinely like, even for a bit, would tremendously help me in doing what I need to, regardless of what I feel about it. So I ain’t letting that go.
Thank you very much for reading until the end. I really appreciate it.
And as always, I hope you guys can benefit from it.
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