Can Culture Change? Should Culture Change?

There’s a changing culture now in the Western world.

It’s a long-held custom that whenever a woman marries, she will take her husband’s last name. Because, by taking her husband’s last name, it shows that the woman is now married to a man, and their family will be traced by the father’s name (patrilineal).
But now, most probably due to the strong feminism movement, married women have lesser tendencies to take their husband’s last name. Because, by taking their husbands’ last name, women must omit theirs. And that may be considered unfair. The women will decide to either keep their names, merge their last name with their husbands’, or create a brand new last name altogether.

(p/s: I don’t know how last names actually work, so forgive me for any technical mistakes that I may make)

The essence is okay. I mean, just like it is important for a woman to assert her status as a married lady, it is also important to keep her identity as she is.
Which means, it does not matter whether you take your husband’s last name after marriage or not. What is more important is why you do it, and we have no rights on judging people’s choices & reasons.

Society changes, people change, so it’s not surprising at all that culture can also change. Bear in mind that there was a period of time where the custom of taking husband’s last name custom does not existed yet. Besides, you don’t keep your name with the intention of building a new custom & eliminating the old custom.
You just do what you believe you have to do, and what you want to do. More importantly, if the culture of taking husbands’ last name did disappear, there will be new, better, more-suited culture taking place.

Let’s compare this to the culture of hantaran in Malaysia. Hantaran is in the Malay culture, where newlywed couple give presents to each other, and usually the groom gives more than the bride. The essence is, the couple give gifts to each other as appreciation, and the groom giving more symbolizing him taking care of the wife. A bad spin of this culture is, hantaran is often used as a tool to boast around in the society, and for parents to ‘put values’ on ready-to-marry daughters.

‘My daughter gets RM10k for hantaran, because she’s a degree holder.’
‘My son gives RM20k for hantaran, because her wife is a doctorate holder.’

Another issue is, the price of a wedding is getting higher & higher, together with millennials’ cost of living. Which means, there are a rapid growth of number of millennials who could not afford to marry.

Due to these issues, some said that we should eliminate hantaran, as it burdens the newlyweds financially, and it does not fit Islam’s encouragement to keep the wedding as modest as it can be.
Some said that we should keep hantaran, because it is a Malay tradition, and the essence is good.

And I agree that both essence are good. Just like how it is important to keep a wedding modest, it is also important for the couple to show appreciation towards each other.

So, will one day hantaran disappear? Maybe, but it’s not necessary a bad thing. Society changes, people change, so it’s not surprising at all that culture can also change. Bear in mind that there was a period of time where hantaran does not existed yet. Besides, you don’t omit hantaran with the intention of building a new custom & eliminating the old custom.
You just do what you believe you have to do, and what you want to do.

So whether you do hantaran during your wedding or not, what’s more important is why you do it, and we have no rights on judging people’s choices & reasons. More importantly, if hantaran did disappear, there will be new, better, more-suited culture taking place.

I’ll give you another example of Malay culture: rewang

Rewang is a cultural word to describe a situation where the whole family & relatives of the couple will help for the preparation of the wedding, especially the preparation of food. The essence is, it’s supposed to increase family bonds together.

But weddings get more complicated over time, and especially in this fast-paced world,
ain’t nobody got time for that.

So, especially with the regards of food preparation, now people will usually hire caterers, due to the convenience.

So, will one day rewang disappear? Maybe, but it’s not necessary a bad thing.
Society changes, people change, so it’s not surprising at all that culture can also change. Bear in mind that there was a period of time where rewang does not existed yet. Besides, you don’t omit rewang with the intention of building a new custom & eliminating the old custom.
You just do what you believe you have to do, and what you want to do.

So whether you do rewang during your wedding or not, what’s more important is why you do it, and we have no rights on judging people’s choices & reasons. More importantly, if rewang did disappear, there will be new, better, more-suited culture taking place.

This may look like a preparation-for–wedding tips, but what I wanted to highlight is the idea of culture as a whole, how it affects us, and how we act based on it. Perhaps wedding is the best example to give, due to how cultural wedding is all around the globe.

I may be accused as someone who does not appreciate traditions & cultures, which I am not. I’m just trying to highlight this very particular phrase that I have repeated here, thrice: Society changes, people change, so it’s not surprising at all that culture can also change.

Culture is not easily changed, but it can change. Because cultures are formed based on beliefs, and beliefs manifest themselves in many ways & actions.
So, just like how our actions started a certain culture, our actions also are the ones that determine the change of the culture. And change does not necessarily mean things will get better or worse. It just mean that things change.

And I’m not saying that you should challenge your culture, especially in doing that, more harm, especially on the unity of your society, will be done than good.

I’m just saying that culture can change because the base is belief. So, in proper regards to the culture, do what you believe is the right thing to do. That’s it.

If you want to do it, then do it. If you don’t want to, then don’t do it.
If you need to do it, then do it. If you don’t need to do it, then don’t do it.
If you think you don’t need it, but you still want it anyway, then do it. If you don’t want to do it, but you believe that you need to, then do it.

It’s that simple.

And it applies personally. Which means, you don’t get to judge people based on what culture that are practicing. Period.
Because again, beliefs manifest themselves in different cultures.

Which means,
Whether you take your husband’s last name or not, we both agree that women’s identities are just as important as men’s identity.
Whether you do hantaran or not, we both agree that appreciating our spouses is crucial in marriage.
Whether you do rewang or not, we both agree that family bonds are very important & should be strengthen as much as we can.

That matters way more.

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