"Just Say Hi - Live Performance" - Behind The Scenes of My Mind

About a week ago, I had the chance to perform a rap live, as I’ve documented here:

(Yes, I will make a proper lyric video, I’m working on it. Pray that God will ease me in doing so.)

But what I did not document was the thought process of me consciously making that decision & finally performing.
This is what I want to share today.

I’ve written the lyrics for quite a long time, and I’ve wanted to perform it so badly.
But of course, I cannot help myself but to have all kind of thought.

A Muslim girl want to perform a rap? That is highly unusual, in Malaysia at least from what I know.

So I cannot help but think, not just about the performance, but from the very first step itself; wanting to perform.

“Can I do well?”
“Should I do this?
“How do I tell people I want to do it?”
 “How will people react?”
“What if they put low expectation on me? What if they belittle me?”
“What if they put high expectation on me? Will I meet their expectation?”
 “Can I really to do this?”
“Am I actually allowed to do this?”

And now, after doing it, after all that thought turmoil, I can simply say that, though it is not easy to overcome the turmoil & do it, it’s not as hard as I thought either.
The reactions might be vary, but everything is predictable all along.

At first, I wanted to make a lyric video first, like what I do with my #MoneyChallenge. But then I found out about an Open Mic event in my university. And firstly, I thought it was open just for people to talk.

But according to my friend who was one of the committee members, she said that you can do whatever you want with that microphone. Just talk, sing, karaoke, short sharing, long sharing, whatever.
The mic is literally open for everyone.

“Good, I think maybe I can perform here,” I thought to myself.

So I planned my way to the event, got there with another friend of mine (who shot that video, thank you so much!), gave out my name & wait for my turn.

Again, I can’t help but to feel nervous when I was to about to give out my name.

“I’m doing a rap performance.”

Oh my God, how will they react?
What if they laugh at me? What if they ridiculed me? What if they have low expectation? What if they don’t allow me?”
Or,
What is they have high expectation? What if they now excitedly ask all their friend to come? What if I messed up? What if things go wrong?

To my predicted yet still quite surprise,
the reaction that I got was only, “Okay.”

Then, they set up my music, made a few soundchecks, checked on the other speakers & began the event.

When it’s my turn, I performed. After that, I stayed a bit to listen to the other speakers. Unfortunately I had to go back early that night. So, before I made my way back, I thanked them for the opportunity.
Then, they also said thank you for sharing & (actually!) invited me to come back for upcoming Open Mic.

Really, no one make a big deal out of it, either positively or negatively.
I just performed, things went smoothly, the audience was okay, the organizer was okay. I mean, definitely I don’t get like some hyped fans from there, nor I got people booing to me.
Everything was… okay. And I am extremely, extremely, grateful to God for that.

Here are a few realizations that came with that particular event.

1. We usually expect extremes from people. But in reality, the normal curve always win.

statisticshowto.datasciencecentral.com

A normal curve represents an expected normal distribution. 90% will be in the middle while 10% will be on the extremes. Among that 10%, 5% will be on the positive extreme & another 5% will be on the negative extreme.

It really represents the normal things in our normal life. Like how my friends & audience responded to my performance.
Some may get hyped, some may despise & not be pleased. A quite number of them will genuinely like it, and another number of them will not really like them.

But the large number of them? They stay in the middle.
Which means? They basically do not care.

And that is not necessarily a bad thing (or even a good thing, depending on how you see it).
Because I don’t mean like by not caring, they are ignoring you. What I mean is, they may have their own opinions about you, and may even express their opinions if they want to or if they feel like they need to. But the main thing is, they see you, they have their own opinion, and they move on with their lives. That’s it.

So now, you yourself may be in a position where you want to, or you feel like you need to do something that may be unordinary, and you are now quite hesitant to do it, because you think of the extreme reactions of people.

Trust me, despite all of those worries in your head, they are most unlikely to happen. The normal curve always win. Most of the people will not care.

2. Who are ‘they’ & what are they thinking?

It took me quite a while to realize this.
That big question is always in our head: “What will people think?”
But, who are these people actually that we are concerned about on what their opinions are?

Is it...

A. Our loved ones?

Oh my God, yes, they do think about us, and they think about us a lot.
But how exactly are they thinking about us?

Just like how we refer to them; our loved ones, definitely they will think about us lovingly.
If we make a mistake, or if we do things that they deem to be a mistake, their first action will be having good thoughts about you, ask you directly & will try to help you.
They would not belittle you. They would not judge you on the surface level. They would refuse to believe bad things being talked about us in the first place, before directly asking us.

B. Those people who are in the power or influence position?

Like my performance, I was quite nervous with the possibility of someone coming to me and saying ‘that is haram.’ And that fear is completely rational. Because whatever they do will influence what people do, and their perception about you.

But in this case, I believe that they have nothing personal against me, my personality or my personal choices, and whatever they are doing is on the basis of maintaining law & order.

So, if they do speak out against me, what I need to do is to listen, respond appropriately, and most importantly, respect them & the law appropriately, without ever trading my own self & my own principles.

For example, in my case, if someone did come to me & say ‘you rapping is haram’ (which thank God never happen at all), then what I need to do is to listen to what they have to say. Then, I will myself say what I have to say. Because I know I put a lot of thoughts in doing this, I know in my own knowledge what is right & what is wrong, and I know I have acted based upon that. Then, if needed, I will respect their decision as authorities. For example, they may not allow me to perform in that particular event, so I will respect that, I will leave the event & find other events where I am allowed to do so.

C. Strangers?

Now, especially with social medias dominating our lives, people are more easy to throw hate & negative comments. But, in reality, these people are actually in much smaller number than we thought. It’s just they are loud, that they are intimidating us. But again, strangers’ opinions do very minimal to no impact in our lives.

Think about it. As you walk at the street, you may find people that you question their sense of fashion, people doing weird thing in public, people doing things that you don’t agree, people fighting for some petty issues to you, etc. As you scroll your social medias, you may find people who post things that you don’t like, things that you think shouldn’t be in social medias, things that you find are opposing to your beliefs & principles, etc. Definitely you have your opinions about them. And you either express them in the comments section, or you keep them to yourself.

My question is; do your opinions have some sort of, like, big impact on them? No, right?

So why would that be any different to you?

Why would a random person with a random comment, dictate your life?

Yes, I know, if it’s negative, it can be hurtful. If it’s positive, it can be very motivating. I’m not denying that. But they should not dictate your life. Positive random comments shouldn’t make you suddenly abide to whatever the person want to, and negative random comments shouldn’t make you feel like everything that you do is a mistake.

Thank you for reading. I hope this particular experience of mine sheds some light onto how actually people view us & our action. It’s quite liberating actually to actually realize that, in short, people don’t really care what we do.

I think the general takeaway is, don’t be afraid of what you feel like you need to do, and respond to people’s response appropriately.

That’s it.

Thank you.